| The Rant Section Week Ending June 18, 2005 |
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There are items of more importance than this, but this one has been needed for quite some time.
Enjoy.
HEY MORON, IT'S THE PEDAL ON THE RIGHT
People often ask me if I like Hot Springs more than Fort Smith. The
answer is a resounding "yes," but with one exception. The traffic in this
town is enough to make road rage a pasttime. Not that we have traffic
jams for miles and hours on end; we don't. Not that our local and state
government isn't doing a pretty good job on road improvements and
repairs; they are. It's the fact that seemingly few people here have any
understanding of the concept of right of way or "slower traffic keep right."
Wherever you are, this applies to you. If you are on a four lane street,
let's say 35 mph speed limit, and you are in the left lane doing 28 mph,
YOU ARE WRONG. Period. If you are doing 35mph in the left lane next
to another motorist in the right lane and you aren't passing him, YOU
ARE WRONG. Period. If you find your right foot is on the brake as much
or more than it is on the accelerator,YOU ARE WRONG. Period. (I'm not
even going to mention those of you who drive with one foot on each
pedal. Unless you are a NASCAR driver, YOU KNOW YOU ARE
WRONG). If you look in the mirror and you have a half a mile of traffic
backed up behind you, YOU ARE WRONG. Figure out why you are
holding up everyone else's life and fix it or get out of the way. If you
cannot pay enough attention to notice that your turn signal has been on
for three miles, stop the car, get out and walk. You are too stupid to be
risking other people's lives with a 3000 pound deadly weapon. If you are
the person who, when travelling downhill becomes uncomfortable with
the slight increase in speed that gravity provides and must therefore ride
your brake to the bottom of the hill (subsequently creating an accordion in
that half a mile long line of traffic behind you), stop the car, get out and
walk. You don' t have the nerve to be operating a high-performance piece
of machinery. If you are on a two-lane street and it expands to a four
lane, IMMEDIATELY take the right lane unless you plan on doing at least
10 mph over the posted limit. Those of us behind you enjoying watching
you talk on the cell phone, pick your nose, fix your wedgie, put on
lipstick, etc. intend to speed for at least as long as it takes to put you into
our past. By being oblivious to the world around you and maintaining the
left lane, you make it much easier for us to simply cut you off into
oncoming traffic - which you will completely deserve, but the person
hauling ass in the left lane of that oncoming traffic probably will not.
Again, you will have imposed your selfish will on the world around you
without even realizing the pain you are.
By the way, I don't care how long you have been driving, you are not a
good enough driver to do any of the following things while driving: Put
on make-up, lipstick, eyeshadow; Eat anything that you would normally
eat with two hands; Find anything in your purse or wallet; Shine your
gold tooth (or teeth, for those of you who can afford serious bling); Read
the paper; Do the crossword; and last but most certainly not least, TALK
ON YOUR CELL PHONE!! Most of you talk with your hands, anyway.
Guess what? Your hands have another job at the moment. Whether you
realize it or not, you do everything slower when you are on the phone.
You think you do this to "be more careful" when you are actually creating
hazards all around you. The real reason is, your mind cannot process
information as quickly when your attention is split between the road and
your important conversation. You turn slower, you look for oncoming
traffic longer, you accelerate slower, you brake earlier, you look in your
mirrors more often (which would be a good thing except for the fact you
are doing it more often because your subconscious knows you didn't "see"
what you looked at the first time). Whether you think so or not, you are a
hazard to the rest of us trying to speed by you on our way to something at
least as important as your phone call. If you have had a cell phone for as
long as you have been driving, then you are the LAST person who should
be talking while driving. You think you're Mario Andretti, but you really
suck as a driver. I thought the same way you do when I was your age.
But I didn't suck as bad as you and I wasn't trying to talk on the phone
while doing it. If you have not had a cell phone all this time, then you can
remember when the world kept spinning even though the phone call had
to wait until you got to a phone. If the call is that important, STOP THE
CAR (preferrably OUT of the line of traffic). I'd be willing to bet there
have been no dramatic changes in anyone's life because they waited to
make the call or stopped while making it. I can guarantee you lives have
been changed because people like you think that once they got their sexy
little phone that they were miraculously granted some split brain ability
that they never showed an aptitude for previously. Guess what? You still
don't have it. You are just too egocentric to realize you suck.
Right of way. If you see a car in oncoming traffic that wishes to turn left
across your lane, there is only one circumstance when you should stop to
allow them to go in front of you. This is when traffic in your lane is
stopped and you could not progress past the intersection anyway. Then,
and only then, should you allow the waiting car to make its turn. I was
behind a Sheriff's deputy recently who slammed on his brakes to allow a
car to turn in front of him. Unbelievable. It's not polite, people; it's
dangerous. And it's called RIGHT OF WAY. If everyone would observe
the rules of right of way, traffic would flow much better. It's a shame they
may have to wait til a break in on coming traffic occurs, but that's just part
of it. You don't get to change the rules of the road just because you're
feeling charitable. Of course, if you get rear-ended, the car behind you
will be at fault for following too close, but you'll still have whiplash and a
smashed-up car. Who needs that?
Merge lanes. Unless you have a yield sign on your on-ramp to the
interstate, by-pass, parkway, etc., you are expected to accelerate to the
speed of traffic and merge with them. If you do not have a yield sign, yet
you stop for a break in traffic, YOU ARE WRONG. Period. If you can't
handle the pressure of a 65 mph zone, pull over to the side, get out and
walk. Vandals will take care of your car for you. If you are on the by-pass
and a car is on the on-ramp, you should change lanes if the left lane is
open. You should not hammer your brakes to get behind the car to your
left to make room for the person merging. It is on them to create the
opening because YOU HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY. High speed pile-ups
begin that way. In fact, unless you are responding to a pile-up or have
signaled your approaching off-ramp, leave that left pedal alone when on
the interstate. Speaking of that, if you are doing the speed limit in the left
lane of the interstate, YOU ARE WRONG. Period. If you are one of those
people who say, "It's my road too, I shouldn't have to speed to be in the
left lane," you suck. Yes, you do. The left lane of the interstate is reserved
for those of us who (a) have somewhere to go RIGHT NOW, (b) are
willing to take our chances with the law, (c) don't want to suck like you
do, (d) all of the above. You don't have to like or agree with it - just get
the hell out of the way. 65 in a 65 in the left lane is why people in
California get shot. You try that in downtown Dallas and you'll get an
18-wheeler enema.
Lastly, as a reminder, it's the pedal on the right, people. Use it liberally
and we'll all get where we're going.
Have a nice day and stay off the damned phone when you're driving.
Enjoy.
HEY MORON, IT'S THE PEDAL ON THE RIGHT
People often ask me if I like Hot Springs more than Fort Smith. The
answer is a resounding "yes," but with one exception. The traffic in this
town is enough to make road rage a pasttime. Not that we have traffic
jams for miles and hours on end; we don't. Not that our local and state
government isn't doing a pretty good job on road improvements and
repairs; they are. It's the fact that seemingly few people here have any
understanding of the concept of right of way or "slower traffic keep right."
Wherever you are, this applies to you. If you are on a four lane street,
let's say 35 mph speed limit, and you are in the left lane doing 28 mph,
YOU ARE WRONG. Period. If you are doing 35mph in the left lane next
to another motorist in the right lane and you aren't passing him, YOU
ARE WRONG. Period. If you find your right foot is on the brake as much
or more than it is on the accelerator,YOU ARE WRONG. Period. (I'm not
even going to mention those of you who drive with one foot on each
pedal. Unless you are a NASCAR driver, YOU KNOW YOU ARE
WRONG). If you look in the mirror and you have a half a mile of traffic
backed up behind you, YOU ARE WRONG. Figure out why you are
holding up everyone else's life and fix it or get out of the way. If you
cannot pay enough attention to notice that your turn signal has been on
for three miles, stop the car, get out and walk. You are too stupid to be
risking other people's lives with a 3000 pound deadly weapon. If you are
the person who, when travelling downhill becomes uncomfortable with
the slight increase in speed that gravity provides and must therefore ride
your brake to the bottom of the hill (subsequently creating an accordion in
that half a mile long line of traffic behind you), stop the car, get out and
walk. You don' t have the nerve to be operating a high-performance piece
of machinery. If you are on a two-lane street and it expands to a four
lane, IMMEDIATELY take the right lane unless you plan on doing at least
10 mph over the posted limit. Those of us behind you enjoying watching
you talk on the cell phone, pick your nose, fix your wedgie, put on
lipstick, etc. intend to speed for at least as long as it takes to put you into
our past. By being oblivious to the world around you and maintaining the
left lane, you make it much easier for us to simply cut you off into
oncoming traffic - which you will completely deserve, but the person
hauling ass in the left lane of that oncoming traffic probably will not.
Again, you will have imposed your selfish will on the world around you
without even realizing the pain you are.
By the way, I don't care how long you have been driving, you are not a
good enough driver to do any of the following things while driving: Put
on make-up, lipstick, eyeshadow; Eat anything that you would normally
eat with two hands; Find anything in your purse or wallet; Shine your
gold tooth (or teeth, for those of you who can afford serious bling); Read
the paper; Do the crossword; and last but most certainly not least, TALK
ON YOUR CELL PHONE!! Most of you talk with your hands, anyway.
Guess what? Your hands have another job at the moment. Whether you
realize it or not, you do everything slower when you are on the phone.
You think you do this to "be more careful" when you are actually creating
hazards all around you. The real reason is, your mind cannot process
information as quickly when your attention is split between the road and
your important conversation. You turn slower, you look for oncoming
traffic longer, you accelerate slower, you brake earlier, you look in your
mirrors more often (which would be a good thing except for the fact you
are doing it more often because your subconscious knows you didn't "see"
what you looked at the first time). Whether you think so or not, you are a
hazard to the rest of us trying to speed by you on our way to something at
least as important as your phone call. If you have had a cell phone for as
long as you have been driving, then you are the LAST person who should
be talking while driving. You think you're Mario Andretti, but you really
suck as a driver. I thought the same way you do when I was your age.
But I didn't suck as bad as you and I wasn't trying to talk on the phone
while doing it. If you have not had a cell phone all this time, then you can
remember when the world kept spinning even though the phone call had
to wait until you got to a phone. If the call is that important, STOP THE
CAR (preferrably OUT of the line of traffic). I'd be willing to bet there
have been no dramatic changes in anyone's life because they waited to
make the call or stopped while making it. I can guarantee you lives have
been changed because people like you think that once they got their sexy
little phone that they were miraculously granted some split brain ability
that they never showed an aptitude for previously. Guess what? You still
don't have it. You are just too egocentric to realize you suck.
Right of way. If you see a car in oncoming traffic that wishes to turn left
across your lane, there is only one circumstance when you should stop to
allow them to go in front of you. This is when traffic in your lane is
stopped and you could not progress past the intersection anyway. Then,
and only then, should you allow the waiting car to make its turn. I was
behind a Sheriff's deputy recently who slammed on his brakes to allow a
car to turn in front of him. Unbelievable. It's not polite, people; it's
dangerous. And it's called RIGHT OF WAY. If everyone would observe
the rules of right of way, traffic would flow much better. It's a shame they
may have to wait til a break in on coming traffic occurs, but that's just part
of it. You don't get to change the rules of the road just because you're
feeling charitable. Of course, if you get rear-ended, the car behind you
will be at fault for following too close, but you'll still have whiplash and a
smashed-up car. Who needs that?
Merge lanes. Unless you have a yield sign on your on-ramp to the
interstate, by-pass, parkway, etc., you are expected to accelerate to the
speed of traffic and merge with them. If you do not have a yield sign, yet
you stop for a break in traffic, YOU ARE WRONG. Period. If you can't
handle the pressure of a 65 mph zone, pull over to the side, get out and
walk. Vandals will take care of your car for you. If you are on the by-pass
and a car is on the on-ramp, you should change lanes if the left lane is
open. You should not hammer your brakes to get behind the car to your
left to make room for the person merging. It is on them to create the
opening because YOU HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY. High speed pile-ups
begin that way. In fact, unless you are responding to a pile-up or have
signaled your approaching off-ramp, leave that left pedal alone when on
the interstate. Speaking of that, if you are doing the speed limit in the left
lane of the interstate, YOU ARE WRONG. Period. If you are one of those
people who say, "It's my road too, I shouldn't have to speed to be in the
left lane," you suck. Yes, you do. The left lane of the interstate is reserved
for those of us who (a) have somewhere to go RIGHT NOW, (b) are
willing to take our chances with the law, (c) don't want to suck like you
do, (d) all of the above. You don't have to like or agree with it - just get
the hell out of the way. 65 in a 65 in the left lane is why people in
California get shot. You try that in downtown Dallas and you'll get an
18-wheeler enema.
Lastly, as a reminder, it's the pedal on the right, people. Use it liberally
and we'll all get where we're going.
Have a nice day and stay off the damned phone when you're driving.
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