How Not to Act When Attending a
Pub Performance
Pub Performance
Okay folks. I am running a great risk of sounding like a complete jerk during this rant and that is only a small part of
my intent. This is one of those "if the shoe fits..." kind of things but everyone of you who comes to a show will either
see yourself in the behavior I am going to discuss or you will have witnessed it in others whom you were probably
hoping would just leave. The piece is written in hopes of improving your awareness of what is considered proper
behavior at a live performance. It assumes the reader doesn't want to be guilty of public faux pas. EVERYTHING, and
I mean EVERYTHING I mention here not only HAS happened, but happens frequently. I have not conjured a single
thing.
For those of you who see yourself in the wretched behavior I describe will no doubt become defensive and probably
not finish this article. You will point to things that I or other performers have done wrong during shows and chide me
for being judgemental. Of course, you are entitled to do all of that. However, remember that you have redress for
your complaints. You can go to the club manager or owner and express your displeasure with my performance. You
can boycott my shows and encourage others to do the same. You can even express your displeasure right there on
the spot in a loud boisterous manner, but that's not something I recommend for reasons discussed below. I, on the
other hand, have very little redress for the repeated aggravations that come from performing live. Most often, the
problems are not to a degree that demand immediate attention, but would greatly enhance the performance if
corrected. Hence, this article.
So, the topics are thus: Cover charge, tipping, requests, table conversation, sit-ins/stage-crashing, intentional
offensive behavior, "freebies", and professional advice.
COVER CHARGE: Cover charges are almost NEVER the idea of the performer. It is usually an effort on the part of the
club owner to recover the cost of hiring the performer. Cover charges work in several ways as they relate to the
performer. (1) The performer gets 100% of the door in lieu of a set fee. (2) The performer gets the door enroute to
a set fee; i.e., the agreement is $200, the door makes $150 and the owner covers the other $50.
(3) The owner takes 100% of the door to recover cost of the performer's fee. (4) Some combination of the above.
Many "regulars" resent paying a cover for live entertainment. Bear in mind that nightclubs in major cities charge a
cover just for the right to drink in their establishment and provide no live entertainment. If you resent paying the
cover, don't take it out on the performer. Either pay it and decide to enjoy yourself or don't pay it and leave.
TIPPING: This is a wonderful gesture of appreciation. As you know, a pub player is probably not banking a whole
bunch of money and your supplementing that income with tips is a thoughtful and greatly appreciated effort.
Performers do not "expect" tips. There is no standard rule like that which applies to service personnel. Whatever you
tip is fine and genuinely appreciated. However, there is an accepted method to this.
DO: Place your tip in the receptacle provided. If there is no tip jar and you are the first to tip, it is fine to ask a
server to grab a pitcher or something in which to place tips. Barring that, wait til the song is over before handing your
tip to the performer. He or she will figure out what to do with this.
DO NOT: Throw your tip on the floor at the feet of your performer. This is an insult, unless it is a 100 dollar bill.
DO NOT: Give change (in the tip jar or otherwise). This makes you look very cheap and tells the performer that he is
simply an outlet for you to get rid of those annoying coins in your pocket. It does not show appreciation.
DO NOT: Tear bills in half. Yes, people actually do this. It tells me I really didn't work hard enough for your tip so
you'd like me to work a little harder later. Don't bother. Just keep it.
There are other creative methods to tipping so just use this as a general rule: If it detracts from the show, just put it
in the jar like everybody else.
REQUESTS: Many performers do not take requests at all. They have their reasons for this. Those who do take
requests are not implying that they know every song in any given genre. They are simply open to someone asking to
hear a favorite that they may know. Here are a few rules about requests, though:
(1) A shouted request is almost always ignored. Any shouted request for FREEBIRD, STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN, or
AMERICAN PIE (among others) is grounds for immediate removal from the premises. I am not kidding.
(2) Requests written on a napkin are perfectly acceptable. Feel free to leave that at the stage when you bring up
your tip.
(3) Requests accompanied by tips are the best yet! However, your performer is not a jukebox. You may not get
your request immediately. If the performer is in the middle of a classic rock set and the crowd is loving it, don't expect
your favorite George Jones hit right away. In the service industry, servers will tell you that TIPS is an acronym for
To Insure Prompt Service. Not so in music. It means To Influence Playing Song. Remember that your tip does not
guarantee the song at all. Based on many factors, your request just might not make the show. Most performers
work really hard to give you your money's worth, but there are no guarantees. You should think of the tip as a an
appreciation gesture, not as an investment in a future selection. This is not to say that reminding is a bad thing -
people do forget. Just be polite. Easy, huh? Almost like common sense! One last thing on this. If you hold your tip
over the tip jar pending a "yes" answer to your request, go ahead and put it back in your pocket on your way out the
door. You're looking for the jukebox bar down the street.
(4) In the very common event that the performer does not know or does not play your request, drop it. Really. If he
says, "I don't play that," that's what he means. He may know the song, but chooses not to play it. His choice. He
may have buried his favorite dog to that song and simply does not include it in his repertoire no matter how many
times you ask him to. I have a few of these for my very own personal reasons. I have entire artists I do not cover for
my own reasons. No matter how much you like Neil Young it is not going to change the fact that I have simply chosen
not to learn any of his music throughout my entire life. Given that, I won't be learning it in the next hour while
performing, either. If a performer says, "I don't know that song," he doesn't. No matter how many times you yell it
out, he ain't gonna learn it on the spot. Bottom line is if you get a "NO" to a request, let that be the end of it.
TABLE CONVERSATION: This one is particular to pubs; small venues where everything you say can be heard several
feet away or across the room. I personally love pub performances because of the intimacy with the audience. The
downside is that as people drink, their ears close up and they immediately begin talking louder. In a pub setting
where the bulk of the crowd is there to appreciate live music, it only takes one table of shrieking women or guffawing
men to completely wreck a performance. Here is a scenario for you to ponder:
You are the designated driver on an after work evening out with five friends. (We'll call them Joey, Chandler, Rachel,
Monica and Ross.) You hear there's live music at a local pub and that sounds like the place for you all to go and have
a blast without having to deal with the dance club scene. You get a table about two rows back from the stage and
the night is ON. An hour or so later the musician arrives and the show begins. Your friends are getting pretty tuned
up and everyone is laughing and having fun. You decide to go to the bathroom (you know how that water just runs
right through you). As you make your way to the back of the club, you notice that you can still hear Monica's shrieking
laughter over everyone in the bar, including the PA system of the performer. On your way back from the loo you can
hear Ross, Joey and Chandler erupting in WHOOT! WHOOT! WHOOT! shouts and you are astute enough to notice that
the cheers are NOT for the performer. You look around the room and notice that all the other customers are paying
rapt attention to the performer when not shooting dirty looks at your table.
QUESTION: Is this a problem?
ANSWER: (A) No. People go out to have fun in their own way and no one is getting hurt.
(B) No. It's a pub, it's supposed to be loud.
(C) Yes. You hate being sober when everyone else is having fun.
(D) Yes. It is completely disrespectful to the performer and everyone else trying to enjoy the
show.
If you answered A, B, or C, then a pub music venue is not where you and your friends should ever go again. If you
answered D, then there is hope.
Think of a seeing a pub player like going to a comedy club. The same rules apply. People go to these things to enjoy
the performer. To be louder than the performer is considered rude and unacceptable behavior. It's not to say that
you can't have fun and laugh it up, but when you are drowning out the show and disrupting the vibe, you are not part
of the problem, you are the problem.
RULE: Keep table conversations at TABLE LEVEL. If you need to get loud, go outside, go to another part of the bar,
or simply go somewhere else.
SIT-INS / STAGE CRASHING: It is a common occurrence for musicians to frequent each other's shows and even sit
in from time to time. Working musicians seldom get to jam together because of conflicting schedules and the chance
to do that is something they look forward to and is usually a treat for the audience. When you see this happen, it
doesn't mean the show has just become an open mic. It is not an invitation for anyone else to get on the stage. The
performer will call you up if he wants you there.
If you are not a working musician, take the number of times you feel you should get to sit in a performers show and
divide it by 0. Math nerds will say, "You can't divide by zero," and they are right. Likewise, you can't sit in. The only
exception to this rule is if the performer asks you first. Don't ask to sit in. For all the same reasons why you don't
have your own gig you should not crash this one. Porch picking and performing live are not the same thing. When
you ask, you create an uncomfortable circumstance for everyone involved. The audience came (or stayed) to see the
scheduled performer. They will accept his inclusion of other players, but that decision should be based on his
judgement. Another thing. If he has allowed you to sit in before, that doesn't mean he should feel obligated to
include you every time you come to a show.
I don't use a set list. Most of the time I am thinking of the next song to play while I'm playing a song. I try to read
the audience and hit them with something they will enjoy based on age, perceived tastes, level of intoxication, and a
multitude of other factors. When I get it right, it's great. I often get it wrong and only have a song or two to recover
(meaning re-hook those customers who didn't like or know the last song). I have to show them that I can relate to
their tastes. That's part of being a "crowd-pleaser," and it is work. If you are asking to sit in at the moment I am
struggling to recapture my lost audience, you only make that much more difficult for me to do. If you have sat in
before, I know what we do together and if I am so inclined, I will guide the show towards that song.
IF I do that, it will take time. You will be patient or you will be disappointed. The truth is, performers almost NEVER
plan to bring an outsider into their act. It is simply too risky and too much work. Would you ask a comedian to let you
tell a joke in the middle of his act? Probably not, no matter how funny you think you are.
Here's a quote for you. "Do you think we could do (song title) pretty soon? I brought some friends out to see you,
but we can't stay very long." This is almost verbatim. You know what this tells me? You didn't come out for my show.
You came out to show your friends you could take advantage of my kindness and intrude on my show to be the star
for a minute or two. Well, they make karaoke bars for that very thing. It is a booming niche industry made just for
you. Go to one and stay there.
Here's one for all you cute little girls who didn't get patted on the head by daddy enough. Your looks don't give you a
free pass to come scream along with the lyrics in my ear. If you need to be the center of attention, there is another
booming set of bars that have stages with poles in the middle of them made just for you. Go help yourself. My mic
stand is not an example of said pole.
Male or female - IF YOU FALL ON TO THE STAGE, KNOCK THE MIC DOWN OR INTO MY TEETH, PLEASE LEAVE
IMMEDIATELY!! I am serious. There is nothing you can say now that will make it better. It's not funny. We can still
be friends if you immediately get away from me. Apologize tomorrow. Just run from the building like Richard Pryor
with his head on fire and we will get over it probably faster than you. Rest assured, we will talk about you behind
your back, but you earned that. If you have damaged some equipment, just relax. Someone behind the bar will call
an ambulance for you. Try not to bleed on anything. And yes, you probably will be bleeding.
If you fall into the tip jar, it is your job to put the money back in it. If the jar is glass and it is broken, leave it alone.
One of the wonderful servers will take care if it. We don't want you injuring yourself on bar property.
Here's a totally different scenario for you. Let's say that you ARE a performing musician from out of town and you
would like to do a couple of songs, on your own, to try to impress the management. I actually encourage this. Let me
know with enough time to work you in and I will even let you play my guitar. Be prepared to tell me where you've
played, how long you've been playing, the type of music that you play, the songs you intend to do tonight, and most
importantly, BE SOMETHING CLOSE TO SOBER! I expect you to do 2, maybe 3 songs. I expect you to read the crowd
and determine if it's working or not. If they're not digging you after 2 songs, gracefully thank them and forego the
third. Don't ask to get up after the show. If it's my gig, I want to be the last thing my audience remembers. It's a
marketing thing. Rest assured, I have no fear of a performer upstaging me. I WIN BIG if you are better than me,
which is most likely the case. I want every performer out there to have work because that means I can work in more
places, too. There is no competition in my world of music.
I think I have covered the dos and don'ts of stage crashing. Let me reiterate - LET THE PERFORMER KNOW YOU CAN
PLAY OR SING AND HE WILL DECIDE IF HE WANTS YOU UP. Don't nag and don't have huge expectations. He doesn't
owe you anything.
INTENTIONAL OFFENSIVE BEHAVIOR: There are a couple of categories of this. The most innocuous is heckling.
Every once in awhile you'll see a group, almost always men, but sometimes women, that has gotten a little too drunk
and needs to be the center of attention. Usually, there is a single stand-out who becomes the spokesman and has
no inhibitions about trying to embarrass the performer. If you have a proclivity towards this, tell your friends before
you go out so they can help prevent it. Most seasoned performers are astute at handling hecklers and you will
probably be very embarrassed or angry by the time it is over. Here are some rules:
(1) Your table can hear you. The whole place can here the performer. Bad for you.
(2) Unless you're a practiced heckler, you won't have the stuff to handle an experienced performer and you'll
probably be very embarrassed. Bad for you.
(3) No matter what, whether you get the best of him or not, YOU are going to look like the jerk to everyone in the
place (unless the performer melts down like Michael Richards). Bad for you.
(4) The result is that you're probably going to get kicked out, now matter how you fare in the insult game. Many
musicians will simply call a server up to the stage and quietly demand the management removes you from the
premises. They always comply. Bad for you.
Bottom line: Heckling is bad for you.
Another category is physically provocative behavior such as throwing lit cigarettes (this has happened), throwing
chairs (this too) or trying to physically intimidate the performer. This is most common when couples are out, the men
are drunk and the chicks are really digging the music and the boys get jealous. Don't get caught up in this. Just have
fun. The performer isn't trying to hit on your girl. He's at work. This is a job through which he pays his bills. He's not
there to give you a reason to throw stuff at him or pick a fight. If you take the physical route, the very least that will
result is your removal. Also possible is an arrest as those things are crimes. Don't forget that performers know the
stage offers them no protection, likewise, it doesn't protect you, either. You might just get surprised and wish it did.
If you just want to start trouble, pick on a bouncer. They get paid to hurt you.
GOLDEN RULE: IF YOU DIDN'T COME TO THE SHOW TO ENJOY THE MUSIC, STAY HOME OR GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.
EVERYONE ELSE CAME TO ENJOY THE MUSIC. YOU DON'T GET TO RUIN THINGS FOR EVERYBODY.
FREEBIES: Some performers sell merchandise like t-shirts, cds, bumper stickers and all kinds of stuff to promote their
names. Keyword: SELL. The reason why they SELL this stuff is because it costs money to produce. There are no
t-shirt companies giving away free silkscreens and t-shirts to performers. There are no elves who magically produce
1000 cds with the performers music on them packaged and ready to give away. These things not only cost money,
they cost a LOT of money. And they represent what is usually a lifetime of effort for the performer to achieve even
having these things available. Yet, it is always the friend who expects something for nothing. I have actually been
told, "I am not paying for a t-shirt." Well, okay. How about I come to your job and ask for my burger for free simply
because you where the funny hat? If the product is there, then somebody paid for it. Usually it is that filthy rich pub
player you know so well. Strangers seldom ask for anything for free. The ones closest to you, who know your
struggles, who you "owe" because they are your friends, expect you to take it in the wallet for them. And you'd be
amazed at how close acquaintances become when they feel like they can get something for nothing. If you're a
cheap enough friend to ask, expect me to be a jerk enough friend to say "no." Then we can reevaluate our friendship.
RULE: If it's for sale, pay for it. The only exception to this is when the performer offers to GIVE you something. If you
ask or insist on a freebie, you need lessons in class.
Last, but certainly not least...
PROFESSIONAL ADVICE: You would be amazed at the number of music business experts you find tore up drunk in
local bars. I mean they are EVERYWHERE! And the one's who aren't experts on how to make me a star are best
friends with Ted Nugent or Sammy Hagar or David Alan Cole. (Yes, I know it's Coe, but I met his best friend last week
and he kept calling him Cole, so maybe I'm wrong.) If I had a nickel for every hidden music mogul I have met spitting
beer-soaked slurred words into my face with golden nuggets of wisdom on how to become rich and famous in the biz,
I would already be rich and famous. I recently endured a 20-minute diatribe on how I must not really want to "make
it" otherwise I'd be really excited about the advice I was getting over and over and over.
Another flavor of this is the Great Benefactor. I bet you didn't know how many mega-rich guys hang out in your local
pubs just waiting to give money to local performers so they can get their break. I have had drunken offers like you
wouldn't believe. I once had a guy tell me he was going to pay Steve Earle $10,000 to come hear me play
Copperhead Road. I have been made promises of sponsorship by business owners to the tune of $100,000. I have
been promised introductions to record producers and free recording time in "major" recording studios. Obviously, all
of those things are lies. The sad thing is, the pathetic people who tell these lies are just schmucks who need to use
the lifelong dream of a performer to make themselves feel better about their lack of meaningful contribution to the
world.
Here are some rules for you all-knowing, mega-rich, music expert-types:
(1) Unless you are an executive for a record label or an established, successful promoter, shut up before you start
talking. If you don't even know what the title "A&R Rep" means, you don't have anything to offer me in the way of
advice except how to get you to go away.
(2) Unless you have "Mr. Famous" on speed dial and can put me on the phone with him right then, I don't care who
you say you know. Reality is, you probably got an autograph at a concert and because you have "cable guy
syndrome" you feel like he's your best friend from childhood. Great for you. Don't suck me into your delusion.
(3) If you have more money than God and you claim to want to back a performer, then break out a checkbook.
Post-date a check for a real amount to show that you're for real. That will inspire you to remember the next day and
you just might pick up the phone and call me and work out the details of your plan. Otherwise, you're just a
blow-hard trying to make yourself look like the big, powerful guy at the expense of the dreams of a real person. That
makes you a dirtbag. A dirtbag with money maybe, but no less a dirtbag.
BOTTOM LINE: PUT UP OR SHUT UP.
This last part sounds pretty harsh, I know. But if you talk to a musician who has been in the business for awhile, he
will tell you how he was made big promises by someone who "truly believed in him," and wanted to help him "spread
his gift" to the world. There a thousands of stories of how struggling artists have had their hopes pumped up only to
learn that everything was a lie and the benefactor was a fraud. Some performers even lose their life savings trying to
"meet their sponsor half way" only to learn that the only money being spent was theirs. Everyone knows the music
business takes money. Nobody knows that more than musicians themselves. I have never met a musician asking for
a handout; even when I was a street musician in New Orleans. Everyone there was trying to earn what they made.
Performing is not panhandling or begging. It is work. Legitimate work. There is honor in what we do and you
cheapen that by exploiting our dreams to compensate for your own personal inadequacies through your lies. If you're
not for real, find someone else to scam - we're stocked up on bullshit here.
Do not misconstrue this to be pointed at anyone other than those who are guilty of what is described above. Use this
as a guide to make yourself a better patron of the arts. If you can refrain from being any part of the above
infractions, you will be welcome at any pub performance anywhere! Happy pubbing!!!
Dayton Waters
my intent. This is one of those "if the shoe fits..." kind of things but everyone of you who comes to a show will either
see yourself in the behavior I am going to discuss or you will have witnessed it in others whom you were probably
hoping would just leave. The piece is written in hopes of improving your awareness of what is considered proper
behavior at a live performance. It assumes the reader doesn't want to be guilty of public faux pas. EVERYTHING, and
I mean EVERYTHING I mention here not only HAS happened, but happens frequently. I have not conjured a single
thing.
For those of you who see yourself in the wretched behavior I describe will no doubt become defensive and probably
not finish this article. You will point to things that I or other performers have done wrong during shows and chide me
for being judgemental. Of course, you are entitled to do all of that. However, remember that you have redress for
your complaints. You can go to the club manager or owner and express your displeasure with my performance. You
can boycott my shows and encourage others to do the same. You can even express your displeasure right there on
the spot in a loud boisterous manner, but that's not something I recommend for reasons discussed below. I, on the
other hand, have very little redress for the repeated aggravations that come from performing live. Most often, the
problems are not to a degree that demand immediate attention, but would greatly enhance the performance if
corrected. Hence, this article.
So, the topics are thus: Cover charge, tipping, requests, table conversation, sit-ins/stage-crashing, intentional
offensive behavior, "freebies", and professional advice.
COVER CHARGE: Cover charges are almost NEVER the idea of the performer. It is usually an effort on the part of the
club owner to recover the cost of hiring the performer. Cover charges work in several ways as they relate to the
performer. (1) The performer gets 100% of the door in lieu of a set fee. (2) The performer gets the door enroute to
a set fee; i.e., the agreement is $200, the door makes $150 and the owner covers the other $50.
(3) The owner takes 100% of the door to recover cost of the performer's fee. (4) Some combination of the above.
Many "regulars" resent paying a cover for live entertainment. Bear in mind that nightclubs in major cities charge a
cover just for the right to drink in their establishment and provide no live entertainment. If you resent paying the
cover, don't take it out on the performer. Either pay it and decide to enjoy yourself or don't pay it and leave.
TIPPING: This is a wonderful gesture of appreciation. As you know, a pub player is probably not banking a whole
bunch of money and your supplementing that income with tips is a thoughtful and greatly appreciated effort.
Performers do not "expect" tips. There is no standard rule like that which applies to service personnel. Whatever you
tip is fine and genuinely appreciated. However, there is an accepted method to this.
DO: Place your tip in the receptacle provided. If there is no tip jar and you are the first to tip, it is fine to ask a
server to grab a pitcher or something in which to place tips. Barring that, wait til the song is over before handing your
tip to the performer. He or she will figure out what to do with this.
DO NOT: Throw your tip on the floor at the feet of your performer. This is an insult, unless it is a 100 dollar bill.
DO NOT: Give change (in the tip jar or otherwise). This makes you look very cheap and tells the performer that he is
simply an outlet for you to get rid of those annoying coins in your pocket. It does not show appreciation.
DO NOT: Tear bills in half. Yes, people actually do this. It tells me I really didn't work hard enough for your tip so
you'd like me to work a little harder later. Don't bother. Just keep it.
There are other creative methods to tipping so just use this as a general rule: If it detracts from the show, just put it
in the jar like everybody else.
REQUESTS: Many performers do not take requests at all. They have their reasons for this. Those who do take
requests are not implying that they know every song in any given genre. They are simply open to someone asking to
hear a favorite that they may know. Here are a few rules about requests, though:
(1) A shouted request is almost always ignored. Any shouted request for FREEBIRD, STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN, or
AMERICAN PIE (among others) is grounds for immediate removal from the premises. I am not kidding.
(2) Requests written on a napkin are perfectly acceptable. Feel free to leave that at the stage when you bring up
your tip.
(3) Requests accompanied by tips are the best yet! However, your performer is not a jukebox. You may not get
your request immediately. If the performer is in the middle of a classic rock set and the crowd is loving it, don't expect
your favorite George Jones hit right away. In the service industry, servers will tell you that TIPS is an acronym for
To Insure Prompt Service. Not so in music. It means To Influence Playing Song. Remember that your tip does not
guarantee the song at all. Based on many factors, your request just might not make the show. Most performers
work really hard to give you your money's worth, but there are no guarantees. You should think of the tip as a an
appreciation gesture, not as an investment in a future selection. This is not to say that reminding is a bad thing -
people do forget. Just be polite. Easy, huh? Almost like common sense! One last thing on this. If you hold your tip
over the tip jar pending a "yes" answer to your request, go ahead and put it back in your pocket on your way out the
door. You're looking for the jukebox bar down the street.
(4) In the very common event that the performer does not know or does not play your request, drop it. Really. If he
says, "I don't play that," that's what he means. He may know the song, but chooses not to play it. His choice. He
may have buried his favorite dog to that song and simply does not include it in his repertoire no matter how many
times you ask him to. I have a few of these for my very own personal reasons. I have entire artists I do not cover for
my own reasons. No matter how much you like Neil Young it is not going to change the fact that I have simply chosen
not to learn any of his music throughout my entire life. Given that, I won't be learning it in the next hour while
performing, either. If a performer says, "I don't know that song," he doesn't. No matter how many times you yell it
out, he ain't gonna learn it on the spot. Bottom line is if you get a "NO" to a request, let that be the end of it.
TABLE CONVERSATION: This one is particular to pubs; small venues where everything you say can be heard several
feet away or across the room. I personally love pub performances because of the intimacy with the audience. The
downside is that as people drink, their ears close up and they immediately begin talking louder. In a pub setting
where the bulk of the crowd is there to appreciate live music, it only takes one table of shrieking women or guffawing
men to completely wreck a performance. Here is a scenario for you to ponder:
You are the designated driver on an after work evening out with five friends. (We'll call them Joey, Chandler, Rachel,
Monica and Ross.) You hear there's live music at a local pub and that sounds like the place for you all to go and have
a blast without having to deal with the dance club scene. You get a table about two rows back from the stage and
the night is ON. An hour or so later the musician arrives and the show begins. Your friends are getting pretty tuned
up and everyone is laughing and having fun. You decide to go to the bathroom (you know how that water just runs
right through you). As you make your way to the back of the club, you notice that you can still hear Monica's shrieking
laughter over everyone in the bar, including the PA system of the performer. On your way back from the loo you can
hear Ross, Joey and Chandler erupting in WHOOT! WHOOT! WHOOT! shouts and you are astute enough to notice that
the cheers are NOT for the performer. You look around the room and notice that all the other customers are paying
rapt attention to the performer when not shooting dirty looks at your table.
QUESTION: Is this a problem?
ANSWER: (A) No. People go out to have fun in their own way and no one is getting hurt.
(B) No. It's a pub, it's supposed to be loud.
(C) Yes. You hate being sober when everyone else is having fun.
(D) Yes. It is completely disrespectful to the performer and everyone else trying to enjoy the
show.
If you answered A, B, or C, then a pub music venue is not where you and your friends should ever go again. If you
answered D, then there is hope.
Think of a seeing a pub player like going to a comedy club. The same rules apply. People go to these things to enjoy
the performer. To be louder than the performer is considered rude and unacceptable behavior. It's not to say that
you can't have fun and laugh it up, but when you are drowning out the show and disrupting the vibe, you are not part
of the problem, you are the problem.
RULE: Keep table conversations at TABLE LEVEL. If you need to get loud, go outside, go to another part of the bar,
or simply go somewhere else.
SIT-INS / STAGE CRASHING: It is a common occurrence for musicians to frequent each other's shows and even sit
in from time to time. Working musicians seldom get to jam together because of conflicting schedules and the chance
to do that is something they look forward to and is usually a treat for the audience. When you see this happen, it
doesn't mean the show has just become an open mic. It is not an invitation for anyone else to get on the stage. The
performer will call you up if he wants you there.
If you are not a working musician, take the number of times you feel you should get to sit in a performers show and
divide it by 0. Math nerds will say, "You can't divide by zero," and they are right. Likewise, you can't sit in. The only
exception to this rule is if the performer asks you first. Don't ask to sit in. For all the same reasons why you don't
have your own gig you should not crash this one. Porch picking and performing live are not the same thing. When
you ask, you create an uncomfortable circumstance for everyone involved. The audience came (or stayed) to see the
scheduled performer. They will accept his inclusion of other players, but that decision should be based on his
judgement. Another thing. If he has allowed you to sit in before, that doesn't mean he should feel obligated to
include you every time you come to a show.
I don't use a set list. Most of the time I am thinking of the next song to play while I'm playing a song. I try to read
the audience and hit them with something they will enjoy based on age, perceived tastes, level of intoxication, and a
multitude of other factors. When I get it right, it's great. I often get it wrong and only have a song or two to recover
(meaning re-hook those customers who didn't like or know the last song). I have to show them that I can relate to
their tastes. That's part of being a "crowd-pleaser," and it is work. If you are asking to sit in at the moment I am
struggling to recapture my lost audience, you only make that much more difficult for me to do. If you have sat in
before, I know what we do together and if I am so inclined, I will guide the show towards that song.
IF I do that, it will take time. You will be patient or you will be disappointed. The truth is, performers almost NEVER
plan to bring an outsider into their act. It is simply too risky and too much work. Would you ask a comedian to let you
tell a joke in the middle of his act? Probably not, no matter how funny you think you are.
Here's a quote for you. "Do you think we could do (song title) pretty soon? I brought some friends out to see you,
but we can't stay very long." This is almost verbatim. You know what this tells me? You didn't come out for my show.
You came out to show your friends you could take advantage of my kindness and intrude on my show to be the star
for a minute or two. Well, they make karaoke bars for that very thing. It is a booming niche industry made just for
you. Go to one and stay there.
Here's one for all you cute little girls who didn't get patted on the head by daddy enough. Your looks don't give you a
free pass to come scream along with the lyrics in my ear. If you need to be the center of attention, there is another
booming set of bars that have stages with poles in the middle of them made just for you. Go help yourself. My mic
stand is not an example of said pole.
Male or female - IF YOU FALL ON TO THE STAGE, KNOCK THE MIC DOWN OR INTO MY TEETH, PLEASE LEAVE
IMMEDIATELY!! I am serious. There is nothing you can say now that will make it better. It's not funny. We can still
be friends if you immediately get away from me. Apologize tomorrow. Just run from the building like Richard Pryor
with his head on fire and we will get over it probably faster than you. Rest assured, we will talk about you behind
your back, but you earned that. If you have damaged some equipment, just relax. Someone behind the bar will call
an ambulance for you. Try not to bleed on anything. And yes, you probably will be bleeding.
If you fall into the tip jar, it is your job to put the money back in it. If the jar is glass and it is broken, leave it alone.
One of the wonderful servers will take care if it. We don't want you injuring yourself on bar property.
Here's a totally different scenario for you. Let's say that you ARE a performing musician from out of town and you
would like to do a couple of songs, on your own, to try to impress the management. I actually encourage this. Let me
know with enough time to work you in and I will even let you play my guitar. Be prepared to tell me where you've
played, how long you've been playing, the type of music that you play, the songs you intend to do tonight, and most
importantly, BE SOMETHING CLOSE TO SOBER! I expect you to do 2, maybe 3 songs. I expect you to read the crowd
and determine if it's working or not. If they're not digging you after 2 songs, gracefully thank them and forego the
third. Don't ask to get up after the show. If it's my gig, I want to be the last thing my audience remembers. It's a
marketing thing. Rest assured, I have no fear of a performer upstaging me. I WIN BIG if you are better than me,
which is most likely the case. I want every performer out there to have work because that means I can work in more
places, too. There is no competition in my world of music.
I think I have covered the dos and don'ts of stage crashing. Let me reiterate - LET THE PERFORMER KNOW YOU CAN
PLAY OR SING AND HE WILL DECIDE IF HE WANTS YOU UP. Don't nag and don't have huge expectations. He doesn't
owe you anything.
INTENTIONAL OFFENSIVE BEHAVIOR: There are a couple of categories of this. The most innocuous is heckling.
Every once in awhile you'll see a group, almost always men, but sometimes women, that has gotten a little too drunk
and needs to be the center of attention. Usually, there is a single stand-out who becomes the spokesman and has
no inhibitions about trying to embarrass the performer. If you have a proclivity towards this, tell your friends before
you go out so they can help prevent it. Most seasoned performers are astute at handling hecklers and you will
probably be very embarrassed or angry by the time it is over. Here are some rules:
(1) Your table can hear you. The whole place can here the performer. Bad for you.
(2) Unless you're a practiced heckler, you won't have the stuff to handle an experienced performer and you'll
probably be very embarrassed. Bad for you.
(3) No matter what, whether you get the best of him or not, YOU are going to look like the jerk to everyone in the
place (unless the performer melts down like Michael Richards). Bad for you.
(4) The result is that you're probably going to get kicked out, now matter how you fare in the insult game. Many
musicians will simply call a server up to the stage and quietly demand the management removes you from the
premises. They always comply. Bad for you.
Bottom line: Heckling is bad for you.
Another category is physically provocative behavior such as throwing lit cigarettes (this has happened), throwing
chairs (this too) or trying to physically intimidate the performer. This is most common when couples are out, the men
are drunk and the chicks are really digging the music and the boys get jealous. Don't get caught up in this. Just have
fun. The performer isn't trying to hit on your girl. He's at work. This is a job through which he pays his bills. He's not
there to give you a reason to throw stuff at him or pick a fight. If you take the physical route, the very least that will
result is your removal. Also possible is an arrest as those things are crimes. Don't forget that performers know the
stage offers them no protection, likewise, it doesn't protect you, either. You might just get surprised and wish it did.
If you just want to start trouble, pick on a bouncer. They get paid to hurt you.
GOLDEN RULE: IF YOU DIDN'T COME TO THE SHOW TO ENJOY THE MUSIC, STAY HOME OR GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.
EVERYONE ELSE CAME TO ENJOY THE MUSIC. YOU DON'T GET TO RUIN THINGS FOR EVERYBODY.
FREEBIES: Some performers sell merchandise like t-shirts, cds, bumper stickers and all kinds of stuff to promote their
names. Keyword: SELL. The reason why they SELL this stuff is because it costs money to produce. There are no
t-shirt companies giving away free silkscreens and t-shirts to performers. There are no elves who magically produce
1000 cds with the performers music on them packaged and ready to give away. These things not only cost money,
they cost a LOT of money. And they represent what is usually a lifetime of effort for the performer to achieve even
having these things available. Yet, it is always the friend who expects something for nothing. I have actually been
told, "I am not paying for a t-shirt." Well, okay. How about I come to your job and ask for my burger for free simply
because you where the funny hat? If the product is there, then somebody paid for it. Usually it is that filthy rich pub
player you know so well. Strangers seldom ask for anything for free. The ones closest to you, who know your
struggles, who you "owe" because they are your friends, expect you to take it in the wallet for them. And you'd be
amazed at how close acquaintances become when they feel like they can get something for nothing. If you're a
cheap enough friend to ask, expect me to be a jerk enough friend to say "no." Then we can reevaluate our friendship.
RULE: If it's for sale, pay for it. The only exception to this is when the performer offers to GIVE you something. If you
ask or insist on a freebie, you need lessons in class.
Last, but certainly not least...
PROFESSIONAL ADVICE: You would be amazed at the number of music business experts you find tore up drunk in
local bars. I mean they are EVERYWHERE! And the one's who aren't experts on how to make me a star are best
friends with Ted Nugent or Sammy Hagar or David Alan Cole. (Yes, I know it's Coe, but I met his best friend last week
and he kept calling him Cole, so maybe I'm wrong.) If I had a nickel for every hidden music mogul I have met spitting
beer-soaked slurred words into my face with golden nuggets of wisdom on how to become rich and famous in the biz,
I would already be rich and famous. I recently endured a 20-minute diatribe on how I must not really want to "make
it" otherwise I'd be really excited about the advice I was getting over and over and over.
Another flavor of this is the Great Benefactor. I bet you didn't know how many mega-rich guys hang out in your local
pubs just waiting to give money to local performers so they can get their break. I have had drunken offers like you
wouldn't believe. I once had a guy tell me he was going to pay Steve Earle $10,000 to come hear me play
Copperhead Road. I have been made promises of sponsorship by business owners to the tune of $100,000. I have
been promised introductions to record producers and free recording time in "major" recording studios. Obviously, all
of those things are lies. The sad thing is, the pathetic people who tell these lies are just schmucks who need to use
the lifelong dream of a performer to make themselves feel better about their lack of meaningful contribution to the
world.
Here are some rules for you all-knowing, mega-rich, music expert-types:
(1) Unless you are an executive for a record label or an established, successful promoter, shut up before you start
talking. If you don't even know what the title "A&R Rep" means, you don't have anything to offer me in the way of
advice except how to get you to go away.
(2) Unless you have "Mr. Famous" on speed dial and can put me on the phone with him right then, I don't care who
you say you know. Reality is, you probably got an autograph at a concert and because you have "cable guy
syndrome" you feel like he's your best friend from childhood. Great for you. Don't suck me into your delusion.
(3) If you have more money than God and you claim to want to back a performer, then break out a checkbook.
Post-date a check for a real amount to show that you're for real. That will inspire you to remember the next day and
you just might pick up the phone and call me and work out the details of your plan. Otherwise, you're just a
blow-hard trying to make yourself look like the big, powerful guy at the expense of the dreams of a real person. That
makes you a dirtbag. A dirtbag with money maybe, but no less a dirtbag.
BOTTOM LINE: PUT UP OR SHUT UP.
This last part sounds pretty harsh, I know. But if you talk to a musician who has been in the business for awhile, he
will tell you how he was made big promises by someone who "truly believed in him," and wanted to help him "spread
his gift" to the world. There a thousands of stories of how struggling artists have had their hopes pumped up only to
learn that everything was a lie and the benefactor was a fraud. Some performers even lose their life savings trying to
"meet their sponsor half way" only to learn that the only money being spent was theirs. Everyone knows the music
business takes money. Nobody knows that more than musicians themselves. I have never met a musician asking for
a handout; even when I was a street musician in New Orleans. Everyone there was trying to earn what they made.
Performing is not panhandling or begging. It is work. Legitimate work. There is honor in what we do and you
cheapen that by exploiting our dreams to compensate for your own personal inadequacies through your lies. If you're
not for real, find someone else to scam - we're stocked up on bullshit here.
Do not misconstrue this to be pointed at anyone other than those who are guilty of what is described above. Use this
as a guide to make yourself a better patron of the arts. If you can refrain from being any part of the above
infractions, you will be welcome at any pub performance anywhere! Happy pubbing!!!
Dayton Waters
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| "Common courtesy and common sense. Neither one are too common anymore." - Will Rogers |
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